For those who don’t know, Parkway South has FINALLY gotten its act together and implemented the greatest policy in education history: a harsh restriction on phones and personal electronics.

And might we say, it’s about time.

Under the new “classroom restriction” rules, phones must be off and out of sight during class (because clearly, education can’t happen if a phone is within 10 feet of a student). Don’t worry though, underclassmen, Parkway has graciously allowed you to use them during non-instructional times, such as lunch and passing periods.

And just to make things extra exciting, there’s a lovely tiered punishment system–mess up once, and your phone gets taken; keep messing up, and you’ll have to hand it in every morning for five days! But what do you do during an emergency? Luckily, they’re still figuring out, so fingers crossed!

Honestly, as seniors who have become hopelessly addicted to our phones thanks to Parkway, we don’t think this is harsh enough. Phones are the greatest evil of our generation. Since we’re unfortunately missing out on the new Parkway policy, we certainly hope the colleges we’re attending take our phones away–there’s no way I will be able to succeed on campus with a phone close-by.

This might be the greatest idea since sliced bread.

Frankly, it’s offensive that Parkway waited until our senior year was over to implement this. 

Shame on you, Parkway.

As seniors, we wish this were a thing all four years of our high school experience. How dare they rob us of the experience of a completely phone-free education?

We hate phones.

According to the new Parkway policy, next year all cell phones and personal electronics must be turned in before every class. But we say we take it further. We should remove every last piece of technology from the school. Phones? Gone. Chromebooks? Outta here. Even SmartBoards? Who needs ‘em? Let’s go back to the 90’s when nothing bad ever happened. Back then, school was simple—boxy TVs on wheeled carts and chalkboards—why not bring that back?

Schools used to function perfectly without technology. If students back in the day could survive without Google Docs and Desmos, why can’t we?

The only entertainment you need in class is staring at the ceiling during a lecture.

And while we’re at it, let’s remove:

• Graphing calculators (math was more fun when you had to suffer)
• TVs in the Welcome Center (who needs announcements when you can just guess what’s happening?)
• Hearing aids or glucometers (we don’t want ANY personal electronics in the classroom: NO EXCEPTIONS)
• The robotic janitor (bring back real people and give them mops, not AI) 

AI is coming for our rights. I mean, they already took our essays with ChatGPT. What’s next? A classroom run entirely by robots? I’ll be damned if we let the takeover start at South. 

This policy is a step in the right direction, but we need to go further. Phones are not just distractions; they are mind-control devices, brain shrinkers, and the root of all evil. To many students, a math problem probably looks like hieroglyphics or some foreign language, since they always just use Siri or Photomath to do it for them.

And if you’re worried about not being able to talk to your friends or contact your parents during the day—relax. People used to handwrite letters, tie them to carrier pigeons, and hope their message made it through the sky. Maybe it’s time we bring that back. Honestly, it still may be faster than the school WiFi.

If we don’t act now, students won’t know how to do anything by themselves. At this rate, the next generation won’t even know how to spell their own names without autocorrect. We must prevent this before it’s too late. Luckily, Parkway is taking the first step.

And let’s talk about cheating. If phones are the main problem, then banning them completely solves the issue. In fact, to truly crack down on academic dishonesty, desks should be X-rayed before tests and quizzes. No more hiding your phone.

And let’s not forget the real reason for this policy: cyberbullying. The best way to stop cyberbullying is to remove phones completely. No phone, no cyber. It’s foolproof logic. Sure, students might still bully each other in person, but at least they won’t be doing it with a phone in their hands. Let’s just bring back to the old-fashioned method of shoving freshmen in lockers.

But why stop at phones? Let’s remove vending machines, microwaves, and anything else that allows students to enjoy basic comforts. If students can’t handle their phones, they definitely shouldn’t be allowed to have a warm meal or a refreshing drink during the school day. 

Anyway, if you agree with us, feel free to repost this article.

On your phone.

During class.

Just don’t get caught.