Stealing an alien for dummies


Brian van der Brug/Los Angeles Times/TNS

Alien enthusiasts descend on the Little A'Le'Inn near Area 51 and the adjacent town of Rachel, Nev., on September 19, 2019.

Imagine an entire species hidden away by the U.S. government. Well, that’s exactly what can be found in Area 51. Area 51 is a military base in Los Vegas, Nevada, where people believe the government has aliens and are using them for testing.  

On Sept. 21, many people who rsvp-ed to a Facebook invite gathered around the Area 51 gates and prepared to raid the facility. Most raiders were either arrested, detained, or simply didn’t show up. This left me with a burning question: if none of the people at the Area 51 raid were successful what did they do wrong? How could I safely get in and out while securing myself my very own alien? 

I set out to ask many of my peers what they thought was the best strategy to get in and out of Area 51, and I got many different responses of many different types. You could skydive, use the “Cadaver Method”, bribe a guard, etc… But I was tasked with finding the most efficient and effective way to secure myself my very own alien. Once I reviewed all of my options, I came to the conclusion that the best way to get in and out of Area 51 would be an idea proposed by junior Madi Price…

“Well, first you would have to spend months mapping out the intricacies of the underground laser protective system, also discovering where all land mines are hidden. Once you’ve done this you will need to gather tons of green body paint and a suit to defy electromagnetic fields,” Price said. 

I believe this would be the safest and most efficient way to get in and out of Area 51 because as Price went on to explain once you have mapped out all the dangers that can cross your path you can rest assured you will be leaving with an alien. It’s also an extremely smart idea to dress up as an alien because then the  U.S. military would never be able to detect you. 

There were many other more extreme measures that could’ve been taken to break into Area 51, but as we’ve seen from September 21 it’s best to go quietly and be unseen. 

Once you have left Area 51 with as many aliens as you can carry, you have got to start thinking of how you want to take care of your alien. As I have emphasized before it’s important to remain unseen and below the radar, which is why you must dress you alien up as a human and integrate him into society. It’s important to pick a painfully typical name for your pet alien, I would go with Albert. You have to know what your alien likes to eat, where he sleeps, etc… which is why I’ve spent months extensively researching for when I inevitably raid Area 51. 

I have discovered an alien’s favorite food is Scooby Snacks. It is absolutely vital you have these with you at all times especially when training your alien. It’s important to treat your new pet with respect and love, or you run the wrist of the APA or the Alien Protection Agency taking custody of your alien. Aliens have rights, too. The U.S. government has been abusing them and they have been used by many manufacturing companies to create many of the name brands you wear today. Alien labor should be punishable by law. This is one of the many reasons we must raid Area 51 using the tactic I have described; we must save them from our oppressive government. 

In conclusion, I believe it is our duty as people to save the aliens, and we can only successfully do this by using stealth and sneaky tactics. It’s a dangerous mission but it must be done to prevent aliens from becoming a race of extinction.