Santa: Fact or Fiction?
Ethan and Sam debate Christmas's oldest mystery.
December 17, 2018
Santa is a Ho-Ho-Hoax!
When you think of Christmas, you think of trees, presents, snow, and family. Your mind may also wander to the famed Santa Claus; a man who brings gifts to all the good boys and girls across the world. However, these thoughts are not based on fact, as Santa is not a creature of reality. The fact is undeniable: Santa is a hoax. Below, I will outline the facts that corroborate this theory, and prove that my nemesis, Samuel Collett, is delusional.
First of all, no one has ever seen Santa Claus. Despite the countless viral videos and photographs which claim to have finally captured the man, they all have been debunked by image authenticity analysts. Furthermore, if Santa truly travels to every house overnight as believers claim, the fact that no one has ever laid eyes on him is a statistical impossibility. With absolutely no eye witnesses, it’s awfully hard to claim that Santa is a tangible being.
Secondly, Santa could never fit down a chimney. According to the Southern Appalachian Highlands Conservancy, Santa supposedly weighs 1,260 lbs after he’s done delivering gifts. This means that Santa has waistline measurement of approximately 277.2 inches. With a waistline this massive, there is no physical way Santa could climb down even the widest chimney. This means that Santa’s main method of delivering gifts is impossible to execute, further supporting the claim that he cannot be real.
Additionally, there is no way Santa could travel to every home in one night. Based on various calculations regarding the distance he would need to span and the time frame he has to do so, Santa would need to travel 650 meters per second (or 5,000 times the speed of sound) in order to deliver gifts to every house on Earth in one night, and that’s not even accounting for the time he would have to spend inside each house setting the gifts down and eating cookies. Also, based on his approximate mass and the immense force of friction that would come as a result of travelling this quickly, Santa and his sleigh would surely burst into flames mid-flight. Because of these calculations, it’s hard to believe Santa is real, as there is no way he could travel that speed at his estimated weight (not to mention the nearly 60,000 tons of gifts piled on the back of his sleigh).
Finally, it is believed Santa eats cookies from every house he visits, and this, too, is an absurd claim. Eating nearly 7 billion cookies in one night would kill anyone who tried to do so, and Santa is no exception. On top of that, Santa also supposedly drinks milk at every house he visits, as well. Not even a god could consume that much milk, which would total many millions of gallons. Obviously, the question now is “well, who eats the cookies then?” and my response to that is that there are some things that science can’t answer.
To conclude, the existence of Santa cannot be proved nor reasoned, therefore he cannot be real. Despite Sam Collett’s nonsensical ramblings he calls “evidence,” Santa is not, cannot, and will never be real.
Santa is the real deal!
Everyone and their mother will tell you that the famous “Santa Claus” is just something to tell the kids so they’re good. That includes writer Ethan Kraus, who has challenged my evidence for the findings of Santa for years. But today I’m going to prove what some, like Ethan Kraus, believe to be the unprovable. Santa Claus is real.
The first piece of so-called evidence to be debunked is that the whole “No one has ever seen the guy” claim. It’s just false. Multiple sightings of St. Nick have been photographed, and placed on the Internet.
Also, I have personally seen him. One night I placed video cameras around my Christmas tree, trying to catch a glimpse of Ol’ St. Nick. What I came to find on camera three at 3:48 a.m. was the legend himself. He looked remarkably like my father in a white beard, but I knew all too well that I had finally seen Saint Nicholas.
Another pointless remark people might make to disprove that Santa exists is on how he eats so many cookies, let alone fitting down a small chimney. Yet again though this is just another thing that can be disproved rather quickly. The reason that Santa is able to eat so many cookies and fit down numerous chimneys can’t be comprehended by the laws of science. The best way I can explain the Winter Wizard’s mysticism is through the Magic of Christmas–which, of course, doesn’t follow our human laws.
Finally I have come to my last argument prove how Kris Kringle is real. Many doubters point to how it would be impossible for him to travel around the world, let alone deliver presents all in one night. That statement is simply invalid. Again, it’s very possible, thanks to the Dark Arts of Christmas Magic. But Santa isn’t the only one who has mastered the sorcery required for their Christmas duty. The Reindeer have as well. It is said by Kraus that Rudolph and his merry crew would have to travel 650 meters per second to deliver all of the gifts in time. This statement is most likely true, but when you consider how Christmas Magic can easily be used to travel at great speeds, his claim still doesn’t justify how Papa Noel and his gang of magical flying deer can’t complete their jolly duties on Christmas Eve.
So to conclude, every claim that skeptics make to disprove Santa’s authenticity can be proven the opposite–if you’ve done the sophisticated research over this topic and factor in Christmas Magic.
And even though people may try to doubt your holiday beliefs it’s important to remember one thing. That Pelznickel (German name for Santa) is always watching.